| So, Damon, How'd the Interview Go? |
[31 Jan 2006|11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thrown for a loop |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"knights in shining karma" by xtc |
] |
So, I thought the interview was going horr-to-the-endously. I was stammering, his eyes glazed whenever I talked, there were awkward silences, he droned on and on, and I had to tell him that I wasn't religious. For example, when I came in he asked me if I had a chance to look at their website. I told him yes. "Good, then I can give you the abbreviated version." He proceeds to blather on for 6 months about the company, rarely asks me anything but, "Do you have any questions?"
And that was another thing. He would talk and talk, and I would take any chance to ask insightful questions to a.) prove I was listening and ii.) prove I was interested. But then he would reach a break and ask me "Do you have any questions?" And I'm thinking, "Haven't...I been...asking questions?" And he would just stare at me until I asked something. ANYTHING! "What's that cologne you're wearing?", "What's your policy towards fraternization with male employees?", "How's it hangin'?".
About halfway through, I was absolutely sure I would never hear from this man again.
I have a second interview tomorrow morning.
Case closed.
~"He's Got Spunk" Damon
P.S.: As for any questions about if I'm greedy enough to work for Baptists...after he named the starting wage, the answer is "Praise Jesus, YES!!!" ~D
|
|
| I Hear the Woman's Mouth...Tellin' Me that I'm Lyin' 'bout a Job that I Never Could Find |
[27 Jan 2006|11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
shit. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the sound of me flippin' through the book of exodus |
] |
I saw an LJ icon the other day that said: "I was an English major. Will that be tall, grande or venti?" Fuck Career Builders Dot Com! Fuck Nashville has Jobs Dot Com! Fuck The Tennessean Dot Com! And fuck Work Nashville Dot Com! I can't find shit other than sales or concrete technician.
Why am I freaking out so much, you'll ask? Because I recently applied for a job in The Tennessean for a copy editor position. Major in English Composition and or Religions. Check. Check. However, no contact information was given, which made me a smidge nervous, but whatever. I got a call back yesterday. R.H. Boyd Publishing. I set up an interview for Monday, and then did some research on the company:
...sitcom, anyone?
It's a black Baptist publishing house! Now, before you get in a P.C. fervor, I'm not concerned about the ackblay. I'm concerned about the Aptistbay!!! *commence "O Fortuna"*
Will I get to be out? Am I greedy enough to check the grammar on a homophobic diatribe? But more importantly, will I be able to reign in the casual swearing?
~"Golly, This Sure Sounds Like a Pickle!" Damon
|
|
| We Can Swim Any Day in November...or January. |
[26 Jan 2006|02:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 here and there...in bed! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"rufus is a tit man" by loudon wainwright iii |
] |
Pet Peeve
I'm tired of radio "personalities" telling me things like: "Now this is a winter I can get used to" and "This winter's been real nice to us this year." Just shut the fuck up already. It is supposed to be cold in winter. Tennesseans get a six month summer of ball-dripping, heat stroking humidity, can we not get an actual winter for those of us who sweat on cue? One where I can wear a cute sweater and break out my fucking winter goddamn mother cunting coat!? ...and I'm calm.
And We're Off!
I visited DePauw this weekend, my first time this year. Although, I probably could have told my friends in Tennessee a little more explicitly (mea culpa!). However it was good to see everyone including Bet-nee, Shaney, Fin, Bartleby (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) uniteddpugal), Vino, Dougie (wondrousadonis), Ede, Stuart, Jonelle (starlacuomo), Ellen (chappyhappy) and Mattsy. Not to mention Sam (valkyrieslew) and Mijim (wildebeasting)on the way home. My only regret was that since I didn't drive to Indy to see Ellen, Mattsy, Dougie and Jonelle, I didn't get to see them as long as I wanted. I feel really bad for Matt who lives two hours from it. Should I be smacked?
While I was there I also got to see Beth and Bernie, two of my old professors who were very encouraging about Bethany's and my job searches, which was welcome. Do you see how Kafka fanatics and people who can read cuneiform are interested in my life?
Anybody Call for a Webslinger?
While up there, I gauged people's excitement about the idea, and it was pretty overwhelming. I've decided that I'm going to post Drewford online. However, as I know some of you readers do comics on the web, and others read comics on the web, and others have opinions about anything whether they're informed or not, how would I go about doing this? Should I go on KeenSpot's free service? Should I get a domain myself? Should I go to hell? All opinions are welcome, sans "Jesus, Damon, take an art class."
Who Would Be the Perfect Decoy? Who Indeed? Rogers and Hammerstien? Sonny and Cher? Bilbo Baggins? No, as Anyone who Looked at Their Ticket Before They Entered the Theater Ought to Know, It Was...
Not to be confused with 2000's awful The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, it's 1992's hilarious Boris and Natasha!!! I've been looking for this motherfucker for decades, and I want it, goddamn it!!! Rumor has it, it's been popping up in the $4.99 DVD bins at Wal*Mart (see: OmniCorp). So, for your old pal, Damon, keep a look out!
Are You Paying Attention to Me, Pre-Special Agent Starling?
Finally, good news on the Hannibal Lector front! They're making a pre-prequel to Silence of the Lambs! With a an out-of-this-world-I'd-kill-my-own-cats-just-to-fuck-him guy playing teenage Hannibal:
The one that's not Amelie is Gaspard Ulliel. And okay, I'll go for the one everyone's thinking...I wouldn't hate him for eating me. Bonjour, jippon!
~Obvious Damon
|
|
| Jingles and Bitches |
[17 Jan 2006|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cunt alert. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"all right" by supergrass |
] |
So, of late, my newest pet peeve is completely unnecessary commercial jingles. Now we all now the classics, ie: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." But recently, there has been a wave of shitty local ones that are just pointless. They do little more than just repeat the goddamn name of the company! But of late my new favorite jingle is for Check Into Cash, which goes--to a hip-hop beat with a soprano woman trying to sing in the octave of Johnny Cash:
Ya got a cash emergency?
Ya got a money maydayyyyyyyyy?
We'll take your personal check,
And then we'll hold it 'til your paydayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
By the end of payday, the poor singer is singing deep in her throat, it's so ridiculous!!! Needless to say, I've been singing it to Jason at the most inappropriate of times. At dinner. During television shows. It's better than when we were singing the Empire Carpets theme song which is just the phone number and no discernable melody:
Eight hundred
five-eight-eight
two-three hundred.
Empire!
Old Man voice: "Today!"
...But I digress. In gigantic news, I'm getting a cell phone. *Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect* Didn't see that coming did you? Aaaaaaaah boo ya!
Today, I officially had my first bitchy customer. I know! I was surprised! I think we all know what that means! *cue theme music by Barry Manilow* A dramatization in one act.
Damon Xanthopoulos, loyal OmniCorp. employee.....................gay Heath Ledger
Ms. Sotheby, one major fucking cunt.......................................Andie MacDowell
SCENE: a local Gap store.
Curtain opens. DAMON at register saying goodbye to a customer. SOTHEBY cuts in line holding a cardigan on a hanger.
SOTHEBY: Excuse me!
DAMON: Yes?
SOTHEBY: I received 90 dollars in gift cards for Christmas, and your store's practically empty! So I want to exchange the gift cards for money.
DAMON: I'm sorry, but I can't do that. We can't exchange gift cards for money, they can only be exchanged for merchandise or merchandise credit.
SOTHEBY: This is ridiculous! There isn't anything here to buy. The only thing I could find that I was interested in was this cardigan, and it's just eight dollars! There's no way I'm spending 90 dollars here!
DAMON: Well, we have Gaps at Cool Springs, Green Hills, Hickory Hollow and an outlet store at Opry Mills Mall. You can use your gift cards at any of those stores as well.
SOTHEBY: I'm not driving 45 miles to those stores! (DAMON notes that none of these malls are 45 miles away.) I'm sorry! But I'm not! That's ridiculous! How can you expect me to spend 90 dollars in this store?
DAMON: Ma'am, this store is closing.
SOTHEBY remains silent thinking about what to say next. She decides to stay the course.
SOTHEBY: This is ridiculous!
DAMON: (pause) okay...
*Silence*
DAMON: Have you tried taking those ninety dollars worth of gift cards and wedging them lengthwise up your cunt?
SOTHEBY: (calming down) Why no! I haven't! Do you think that would solve this dilemma we've become mired in?
DAMON: That should do it.
SOTHEBY: I'm sorry I spoke so rashly to you, good sir. A hundred years' prosperity on your house! Good day to you! (Exits.)
Curtain.
Case closed! Finally, I was offered a job at Starbucks this week. Although, to put it as Jason did, I'm not sure if the older effete manager wanted to give me a job, or a joooooooooooooooooooooooob.
~"What a Crotchety Old Bitch" Damon
EDIT: I forgot to mention that I went out with an old high school friend, Amanda, this weekend. I met up with a few of her workfriends and her, and then two of them dropped out, we followed the last of her coworkers to Decades--the club that makes you pay for a shitty, ugly, frat party. After ten minutes of that, we peaced out and went to the only place I knew, the gay bar. So while at Tribe, we talked forever about whatever, but eventually I got on the subject of how I feel that I'm the only guy who has come out at Beech. No sooner had I said that when a 2001 alumnus walked in. Case closed! ~D
|
|
| Everybody's Doing It! |
[14 Jan 2006|03:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 wooo, a bit tipsy! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"i don't want to be a sheep (baa, baa, baa, baa)" from fca?? |
] |
This is only fun if people do it. So...DO IT!!
1. Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my journal?:
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:
4. A new LJ friend:
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like about you!
|
|
| P.Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Sweetie! |
[12 Jan 2006|01:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
way too emotional |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"washington d.c." by the magnetic fields |
] |
I am more in love with Daniel Vladivostok from Project Runway now than ever. Don't worry! Jason agrees. For Jason, Daniel won his hourly "Without Hyperbole, The Most Beautiful Man I Have Ever Seen" Award.
However, I now have a new nemisis, ladies and gentleman. He's a man who is obnoxious, tedious, thinks Auschwitz was a fashion study, and is trying to steal my/Jason's man. He goes by Andre. He must be stopped.
It's quite sadly obvious that Andre is in desperate (not my kind of desperate love, a different, more pathetic kind) love with Daniel, pawing and leering and touching and mugging. Andre "gets-really-melodramatic-with-each-new-task-you're-on-a-reality-show-get-over-it" Gonzalo will never steal the heart of my dearest Daniel Vladtheimpaler. Case closed.
Oh...and for anyone else who watches, does anyone just want to fucking punch personification-of-swarthy Santino in the goddamn mouth???
He's one of those "I-know-everything-that's-wrong-with-you-don't-worry-I-made-a-bulleted-list" people. He made a dress of not what he'd see in Banana Republic "but where they should be going." And told Michael Kors (one of the judges) that only old ladies buy his clothes. Yawn. A. Roo.
Oh...and I guess the dresses were nice.
~"Over-hyphen-ating" Damon
|
|
| Stemmin' the Rose |
[08 Jan 2006|12:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i just can't quit you |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"leaving you" by rufus wainwright |
] |
So, I think I'm sick. Maybe??? I don't really get sick very often, so sometimes I wonder if my definition of "sick" is the same as everyone else's. I'm really lazy, and if everyone else's definition of "sick" is a lot lower than mine, than I've been working a whole hell of a lot more than I have to. But I digress. I think I'm sick because I keep getting this minor headaches that last all day, and when I turn my head really fast, I get dizzy. And right now I've got--as Pooh would say--"a rumbly in my tumbly."
So I saw Bareback Mountain tonight with Murray, Raker, and Davenamy. It was good. And I cried a bit. But it certainly didn't change my life. I just don't think I'm into the same type movies that The Academy of Motion Pictures' Arts and Sciences are into. But still, good. Heath did a good job.
But hey, the credits had two of my favorite guys--Willie and Rufus!
However, the highlight of the night was the chaos that was getting tickets and concessions. Amy, Murray and Raker went on to get seats, while David and me got drinks. First off, the line didn't seem to be moving at all. Then some teenager behind the counter screams: "THE DOWNSTAIRS CONCESSION IS STOCKED AND THERE ARE NO LINES!!!" We were just about to follow the stampede downstairs, when we see that if we stay, we'll be second in line. So now we're behind a gay couple that's just standing at what seems an empty register. However, it has a total on it. But no employee and they're just standing there. Finally a lady comes up with a bag of popcorn. She--Michelle--sends them on their way, and then proceeds to HACK AND COUGH VIOLENTLY towards the floor. We saw her head and then she immediately bent over and all we could see was her left hand on the counter and all we could hear was her deafening wretching. Thankfully, she didn't cough into our food, but seriously. Then David made the mistake of ordering a large ANYTHING, because seriously it was the length of his torso, for Christ's sake!!! Then she took so long to get my popcorn because they--or at least from what I could decipher--were making popcorn by the bag!!! Finally we got our food and missed the first five minutes of the film. But we didn't miss spit-lubed drunken fucking, not to worry.
But the hacking!!! ...seriously!
~"BLEEEEEEEEEAUGH BLUUUUUUUUUGH BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHH!" Damon
PS: Here's a fun trailer, from Zach.
|
|
| MMVI!!!! |
[05 Jan 2006|05:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
utterly complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"television, television" by ok go |
] |
Happy 2006, mother fuckers!
I started 2006 on a depressing note...tipsy and watching Dick Clark, whose age has caught up with him in the worst of ways. I couldn't understand 45% of what he said and he was two seconds ahead on the countdown. And then he kissed his wife, and the shot immediately went to Ryan Seacrest standing next to Mariah Carey. She seemed about twelve feet tall standing next to him, and her breasts seemed like they were ready to pounce. "Run, Ryan!!! Seacrest OUT!!!"
I want to inform any DePauvinites that I will be coming up on the 20th, so mark your calenders, and pack your bags!!! Wait, scratch that last one.
Secondly, it's good news for you my loyal reading public, because on the third I turned from my lovely-dovey, oh-so-smitten ways and returned to my reign of bitter queendom. I'm single again, folks. I got the "it's-not-you-it's-me-oh-and-let's-just-be-friends" speech. And a needlessly long hug. To quote my sassy coworker Sharonda: "He did not hug you!!!" But to be honest, I kind of saw it coming, and had already prepared myself. The last few times we did hang out, it was more like friends anyway. So, perhaps we can be friends? Well, at least, I'll have someone to go out to gay bars with.
~Pfft! Damon
|
|
| I Know He Died for Our Sins, but Can We Tone It Down a Little? |
[31 Dec 2005|04:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ante-2006 jitters |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"what are you doing new year's eve?" by rufus wainwright |
] |
Christmas has been krazy fun for me. And, as I don't want to update a real entry about all my shenanigans and goings-on, here's one of those obnoxious bulleted lists:
- I took Zach to meet Ben at The Lipstick Lounge. We listened to twin lesbians rock out, and as we left, found out my car was broken into. The person(s) took my factory stereo, Zach's cell phone, my gift to Ben, and my mom's gift. Now I understand the stereo, the phone and even Ben's gift, as it was wrapped. But my mom's gift wasn't. I got her a wok. Someone stole a wok. They knew they were stealing a wok. Then Zach and I had to wait three hours for Officer Asshole to arrive and make an obnoxious commentary about everything. Snoozefest! But, at least, my Nickleback problem is solved.
- For Christmas, I got (from the family) an iPod Nano, speakers I can hook up to aforementioned iPod, cookie cutters (for sandtarts), the Hannibal Lecter anthology from Bethany, Leeches!, the Animaniacs sountrack and Dame Edna's Christmas Special from Jeff, the first season of The Muppet Show from Zach, and an odd gift from my aunt. Now my Aunt Cynnie is the queen of generic gifts, usually books. This year, Jason and I received...remote control cars. Riddle me this, Batman. We were confused at first, but then we spent the afternoon chasing Clive throughout the house and getting the two cars to fight, so I guess it's worth it. I made a risotto for dinner. Delicious.
- My 'rents and Jason went to Pennsylvania on the 26th. Case closed!
- When I got back from work on the 26th, while making dinner I found a pool of blood on the kitchen floor about the size of a dinner plate. I hunted down Oscar, who I knew had a wound on his neck and found in its place a hole (not a cut but a HOLE) about the size of a segment of your pinky. And he was dripping. I start sweating and shaking, sure my cat's going to die. I called the emergency clinic and asked how payment worked as I had no money. I had to pay, there was no billing option. So I call my family in Pennsylvania freaking the motherfuck out and Dad's advice was "Put him in the bathroom and check on him in the morning." I eventually convinced him (re: screamed frantically at him) to transfer money in my account and I'd write a check. I took him to the pet emergency clinic and found vets who were less concerned than I was. Now, I know they see it everyday, but still, can I get a few condolences? Anyway, it was an absess. They cleaned it. And gave me antibiotics. But I was still a little shaken up.
Now some pictures stolen from Zach's website: ( Look at this Photograph! )
~"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" Damon
|
|
| It's Birthday Time in the City... |
[18 Dec 2005|02:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hung up |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"hung up" by madonna |
] |
At Least the Honduran Children Will Have Slightly Fewer Clothes to Make
We had our meeting on the 11th, and I was right! The Rivergate Gap will be closing at the end of January. And for those of you in Nashville, we will be having a liquidation sale. Case closed!
He's Officially Survived 24 Years
A Side Order of Nagging
Tuesday was my 24th birthday. Thank you to everyone for your greetings and sympathy. I am starting to feel my age, because I have no idea what "krunk" is or who Akon and Young Jeezy are.
After work I went out to dinner with Jason and the 'rents. We went to the Macaroni Grill and I got the Pasta Arrabiata. Every time I go there I think I'm getting something new, but when it comes to my table, I'm like, "Oh...I got this last time." Jason got me Scrooged and Best in Show, Mom and Dad got me a $100 gift card to Express.
Never Seen a Titty This Pretty
However, after dinner, I went to Ben's and he gave me my present. A bottle of the wine we had on our first date. After that sweet moment, we headed out to Buffalo Wild Wings (hold on, it gets better) and met Amy and David and had a few drinks. Oddly enough, I kept staring at our waitress's breasts. In my defense though she had Budweiser Select stickers on her chest which had tiny lights in them, so I don't think we need to overanalyze this, okay? But still I did it every time, and I was the only one who looked! Even David, the straight guy at the table didn't even look! Eventually, Amy and David left because they have work, but Lindsey and her boo, Scott joined us.
Now, Lindsey and Scott both play viola. Ben plays piano, a little violin, and sings bass. I was knee deep in conversations on Vivaldi's Gloria and the first half of Handel's Messiah (re: the part without the "Hallelujah chorus"). I did learn that a thing exists called an alto clef. Who knew?
This Year, Give Him Lesbians
After that, we headed out to the Lipstick Lounge, where I promptly got:
Smiz-ashed!
Ben got the co-owners of the bar, twin lesbians by the names of Rhonda and Jonda, to sing me "Happy Birthday." They said I was "sexy" (thank you) and "studious" (odd). Then Jonda grabbed my ass. My night was complete. Almost.
Then little people came! And one little woman sang a fantastic "Respect." Then my night was complete.
Then some guy named Preston stopped Ben and I to tell us that Scott was cute, every gay guy there loved Lindsey's fake Chanel (re: "Faux-nel") glasses, and then I met three other Bens. Odd, no?
Livid
Today, Amy and I went out to Green Hills to spend the aforementioned gift card and found to my dismay that there was not a fucking thing at Express that I wanted. Goddamn it! But to make it worthwhile, I had to get something. Shoes, maybe? But all the shoe stores at Green Hills are women's shoes. So:
Damon: Amy, why don't we stop at Opry Mills?
Amy: I see nothing wrong with that.
Cut to an hour just trying to get in to the parking lot--by the back way! After getting my shoes, it was excessively easy to get out the non-back way, which is ludicrous! But my shoes are cute. Case closed.
Damon's First Barfight
After shopping we met up with Amy's fiance, David, and coworker, Don and shot some pool at Bailey's. There was a barfight. I witnessed my first barfight! Some sort of scuffle started and these two guys were seperated, and taken outside. Where they proceed to punch each other in the stomachs and throw each other against the windows of the bar. I was so excited.
Primo 'Donna
Finally, for a gay, you know, I'm pretty ambivalent towards Madonna. But, folks, I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty into "Hung Up." I don't know if it's the ABBA sampling, or what, but I likes it. Case closed.
~"Every Little Thing That I Say or Do, I'm" Damon
|
|
| That's the International Sign for "Party Ovah He-ah!!!" |
[11 Dec 2005|12:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
you're eating that??? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"somewhere over the rainbow" by izreal kamakawiwo'ole |
] |
So the 'rents are having a get-together (Christians, ya heard of 'em?). And I was in charge of making a cheesecake that Mom would cut into bite size squares for everyone. Well, last night I spent three hours making it. How did it turn out? I don't know, ask the dog.
So after Clive ate about half of a cheesecake, I went to bed, woke up and came down to find the remainder of the cheesecake--no, not in the trash--but cut into bite-size squares for everyone.
...don't tell!
~"Oh Calm Down, Their Mouths are Cleaner than Ours" Damon
|
|
| Mister Xanthopoulos, Your Boobery is Growing Quite Tiresome |
[08 Dec 2005|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tidings of comfort and joy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"understanding marx" by the bolshevik singers |
] |
It's officially five days until I'm twenty-four. Nerrrvous? Hope you've got your shopping done.
So, the family is finally catching up with the world. The world of two years ago. We got high speed today from a man wearing a facsimile of the One Ring. The ads didn't mention it, but look how fast this double anal penetration scene downloads! Remarkable!
Not to mention, I finally finished that cabinet project. What project? The one started July eighth. Sigharoo!
I made my Grandma's sandtarts yesterday:
Damon: "I made Christmas cookies today."
Ben: "What kind?"
Damon: "Sandtarts."
Ben: "Is that a Saudi Arabian hooker?"
Racist! But seriously, folks, they came out pretty good, if I do say so myself. And I will: They came out pretty good.
Oh! And Project Runway 2: Heidi's Pregnancy Hormones started today. And I fell in love with Daniel.
...and Santino??? WHAT AM I SAYING?!?
~Trainwreck of Thought Damon
|
|
| Old Man Grumpus |
[02 Dec 2005|09:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 what's with these kids? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"catch my disease" by ben lee |
] |
So here's an exchange that occurred yesterday:
A dramatization in one act.
Damon Xanthopoulos, spritely chap...........a heavily sedated Ashton Kutcher
Jimmy Jimmerson, sandwich artist..................................Jonathan Lipnicki
SCENE: Goodlettsville Subway Restaurant, present day
Jimmy: What kinda bread you want?
Damon: Wheat.
Jimmy: Wait...is today December?
Damon: Well, today is December the first, yes.
Jimmy: Awesome! 28 more days and I'll be eighteen!
Damon: Oh, congratulations. Actually, in twelve days, I'll be twenty-four.
Jimmy: 24?
Damon: Yes? Birthdays get different as you get older.
Jimmy: Getting too old?
Damon: Well--
Jimmy: Man, I'd hope I never see twenty-four.
Damon: Yes, well...I'll have lettuce, tomatoes, olives, onions, mayonnaise and salt and pepper.
Jimmy: So...you got kids?
Damon: Excuse me?
Jimmy: Kids. You got kids?
Damon: Nooo...
Jimmy: A wife?
Damon: No.
Jimmy: A girlfriend?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
Jimmy: Oh yeah?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
Jimmy: Ya livin' with her?
Damon: No.
Jimmy: Just keeping things slow, then?
*pause*
Damon: Yes.
For once, that's exactly how it happened. How is twenty four old?! I still have no money and/or gumption! I don't vote conservative! How in the land of Fucklevania am I old!?!? Fuck that luncheon meat groping bastard!
So I think the Rivergate Gap will be closing. Since Candace left, we haven't gotten a new full-time manager and all things point to them not getting one. But we can't work with just two managers--they'd never have a day off! Not to mention, on the eleventh, we all of a sudden have a surprise meeting that's only scheduled to last an hour and the regional manager, Dee, will be there. And, may I add, she's never attended any meeting I've had before. So mark my words, fair readers, I will soon not be employed for Gap Inc. for much longer.
I know, I know..."Damon, how will you pay for cigarettes?" Well, that's covered. I'm probably going to go back to the test-grading place. Where I earned a hell of a lot more money and got a hell of a lot more laughs from reading the slow-witted kids our education system churns out, anyway.
Don't get offended by that last comment. If your mother or father or you work are teachers, I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming the Department of Education. And if your mother or father or you work for the Department of Education, I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming the teachers.
Oh, and finally, I forgot to mention in the last entry's list--Papa Roach. Could you sound anymore like 10th grade poetry?!?!
~Damon, the world's oldest twentysomething
|
|
| Happy, Happy Turkey Day, Let's All Eat the Indian Way! |
[25 Nov 2005|12:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
old man grumpus |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
what the hell is on joey's head? the opera |
] |
Happy Thanksgiving! Let's all give thanks to those white go-getters who toppled their Native American oppressors. A quote from Jason: "Happy Thanksgiving, Clive [our dog]! You know what Thanksgiving is? It's when Jesus rides a giant turkey handing out food to everyone!"
ClearChannel: You'll Like It...Or Else
First things first, though. As you know (or are currently being reminded of), my car CD player was stolen. So, as the clever boy I am I hooked up the factory stereo, except that they had to add all these extra parts to fit my CD player, so the factory thing won't fit. So it's just hanging there, sitting only on the stick. Ghetto? Yes. My point being, I can only listen to the radio. Meaning I only hear songs ClearChannel has decided I should like. Now, I don't care how underground, or down-to-earth, or hip these acts were at some point in history, but I've declared them done:
- Black Eyed Peas--you blow and Fergie's ugly. "My lovely lady lumps"??? What is this, breast cancer awareness in a song!?!?
- Fall Out Boy--"Goin dawn dawn sibly siggle aroun, a surrey we're goin dawn swiggin'!!!" What the fuck?? Did the lead singer suffer a stroke?!
- Three Doors Down--someone send them to Iraq already.
- Sean Paul (and for that matter, Shaggy)--you're not from the Caribbean. You're not from fucking states that even border the goddamn gulf. Stop with the goddamnable accents.
- Gwen Stefani--can a day go by where she's not in my face? I wouldn't be surprised if I went downstairs and the bleached bitch was raiding my fridge.
- Nickleback.........ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can't contain this in a soundbite.
Jonelle and I talked about fucking Nickleback when we talked earlier this week. As you might have also remembered, I went on a blind date the same week my radio was stolen. And, in retrospect, I'm glad he didn't call me back as this was our last talk in the night.
Damon: (looking into BRADLEY's CD holder armrest) Do you like Nickleback?
Bradley: (excited) Oh, I love them. I have a lot of friends who absolutely hate them, but even they say, "I really like that 'Photograph' song."
Damon: Oh?
Silence.
Has no one noticed that the song in question is a giant piece of shit!!! It's like a derailed train of thought! Its as if the I'd-be-cute-if-I-cut-my-hair-and-shaved lead singer just thought up a line and then wrote a subsequent line for the first rhyme he thought of. And actually, while we were on the phone, Jonelle looked up the lyrics. The first verse:
Look at this photograph.
Everytime I do it makes me laugh.
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey's head?
(By the way, I found this on the search for those lyrics: "the song photographs by nickleback is freaking awesome, and if u dont like it ur a fag!!!!!!!!!!" Ten exclamation points? Is that necessary?????????? But to her credit, I don't like it, and I am a fag. Good show, Allyrox15.)
Yes, you did read that last line right. "And what the hell is on Joey's head?" Nickleback, at least go back and proofread the song you wrote stoned, for Christ's sake! The real tragedy here is that this is going to be someone's graduation song.
Eureka!
I came up with a sexist / homophobic joke in the shower. Want to hear it?
Q: Why do lesbians never have sex?
A: Because they both have headaches!
Score one for me!
Fuck You, Chiffon!
Okay, Thanksgiving. The meal went well. I ate too much. Got loaded before we even sat down. That was good. The bad was that I made a pumpkin chiffon pie this year for dessert. However, it didn't come out right. The gelatin in the recipe didn't gel. So............if anyone has a hankerin' for pumpkin molasses egg white soup with a graham cracker crust, come on over.
Jason would like me to note that mother's birthday carrot cake came out perfectly. Grrrrrrr...
~"Both have headaches...Classic!" Damon
|
|
| Careful, Harry, I Can See Your Hogwarts Express... |
[22 Nov 2005|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
what's a non-cliche wand joke? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"murder on the dancefloor" by sophie ellis bextor |
] |
Apparent Brainstorming Sessions at The Learning Channel
Executive #1: I have this documentary program, but I just need a title.
Executive #2: Whatchya got?
#1: Well, it's a heart-wrenching story about a family coping with the diagnosis of cancer with someone in their immediate family. It's a type of cancer that's attaching itself to the father's face, and because it's so rare, doctors are having trouble knowing what to do about it. I just need a title that will--first off--demonstrate the gravity and the drama of the situation, but without seeming exploitative. The number one thing is dignity.
#2: Hmmmmm...
#1: A doosey, right?
#2: Have you thought about... ... ...Face-Eating Tumor?
No, but really folks. And it has a sequel: 160 lb. Tumor. Are you kidding me, TLC?!?
So, PG-13, Then?
Anyhoo, J.J. and I saw Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire and The Crazy on Friday night. Let's just speed through this other crap: There were a lot of understandable cuts. Those kids are learning how to act. What's going on with the Weasley twins' hair? Cedric Diggory was hot. I liked Prisoner of Azkaban better.
What needs to be talked about is of course Daniel Radcliffe (you can tell he's English because of the unnecessary 'e') in the bathtub. I remember my eyes darting around the theater, thinking, "Is this supposed to be like this, or am I just filthy?!?" And, yes, while I'll make the obligatory "Someone's sure grown up, eh what, eh what?" comment, I do want to add, that--and I can say this without hyperbole--that no sixteen year-old in all recorded history has ever been that ripped. EVER! He had veins popping out of his bicepts, ferchrissakes! That being said, someone's sure grown up, eh what, eh what???
~Ephebophile (LOOK IT UP!!!) Damon
|
|
| Where's Your Messiah Now, Trinity Music Shitty? |
[17 Nov 2005|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
totally crushing |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"yakko's world" by yakko warner |
] |
I forgot to mention something when Bethany and Jeff were here. We were heading to It's Showtime Video here in Goodlettsville and I was saying:
Me: "It's run by Christians, so sometimes they don't have really good movies."
Jeff: "Is it like Family Video in Arizona? They have edited versions of films."
Bethany: "Like what?"
Jeff: "I don't know, like, Titanic without the tits."
Bethany: "Then it would just be Anic, wouldn't it?"
It was the one of the cleverest impromptu things I'd heard in a forever.
On Tuesday, I went to Trinity Music City (dubbed "Trinity Music Shitty") with Raker, for a project for some religions class. It is run by:
Paul (alleged homosexual) and
Jan (alleged drag queen) Crouch. Aren't they precious?
With that in mind, though, it was a humungo disappointment. Snooze! There were a few theaters, there was access to the late Conway Twitty's house (they bought out his Twitty City, you see, when he died in 1993) where Raker and I saw a young gay man. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey," he said. What the fuck was he doing there??? Then again, what were we doing there???
However I did get a shot underneath a barebackin' Jesus at his second coming. Too hottt? Raker'll have to update that photo soon.
Also, I fell asleep during a shitastic film about the evangelism of Paul of Tarsus. Whoops!
Ben's been busy this week with school and work, but, I've been asked for "deets" as it were so here's some trivia!
- He's a barista.
- He's a classically trained pianist and played pieces from The Marriage of Figaro at his last recital.
- He sings bass.
- He's a smidge shorter than me.
- He has dark brown hair, tan (but not orange) skin.
- He's self-deprecating, yet wears vanity alterna-glasses.
- He doesn't know who Rufus Wainwright is.
- He does a creepily accurate Elmo impression.
- He knows most of the words to the Animaniacs' songs "Yakko's World" and "Wakko Sings the States and Their Capitals."
That's it for now, bitches! Aaaaaaaboo you and me.
I still want to see Chicken Little. Is that wrong?
~Barebackin' Damon at the Second Coming
|
|
| His Name is Booger, He's Quite a Man... |
[06 Nov 2005|01:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good. arbor mist good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"under the sea" from the little mermaid soundtrack |
] |
Bad news for Ben. Last night, I fell in love with a man named Booger.
Permit me?
Thank you.
But first. I told Mom about Ben last night. Up til now I had been using Marie as an excuse as to where I was going.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going out to eat with Marie."
But the lies were getting a little flimsy. An example when I had to come up with an impromtu lie, I was leaving at ten at night:
Mom: Where are you going?
Damon: ........................................out.
Mom: With--?
Damon: Marie.
Mom: Why so late?
Damon: She..........................had a date. She wants to..................talk to me about it.
Grace under pressure, no? Last night, she asked and I felt I had to tell her.
I told her I wasn't eating with her. She asked who with and I told her I had a date. She didn't believe me at first...with good cause. But then I saw her disapproving look onto her dinner plate. Don't worry, she didn't wan to know a lot about him. Snooze!
Ben and I didn't actually eat, but Ben took me out to the Lipstick Lounge (Nashville's lesbian bar) to see the lesbian twins, Rhonda and Jonda, perform with their band. However, when we got there, the bar was packed.
He took me upstairs to the lounges and we sat around talking until a seat opened up. He had just stepped out to check on seating when a lanky, moustachioed gentleman walked in with two women and another guy. Drunk out of his mind. Leans over to me, who's flipping through Anne Liebowitz's Women:
Booger: M'name's Booger.
Damon: ...excuse me?
Booger: My name's Booger.
Damon: Buuh-gurr??
Booger: Yeah.
Ben returns, confused by Damon's new friend.
Damon: Ben, this is Booger.
Booger: Booger. (extends hand)
Ben: (shakes hand, looks to Damon) Buuh-gurr??
Damon: (closes eyes, nods) Booger.
Booger: You see these beautiful ladies?
Damon: Yes.
Booger: Aren't 'hey beautiful?
Ben / Damon (in unison): Yes. Yes, they are.
Damon: Since they're so beautiful, what are you doing talking to the two guys in the room?
Booger: Well, I know they're going home with me. You guys ever go to Denim and Diamonds?
Damon: No.
Booger: Oh! It was three-in-one. You had your country, your rap, your queer shit, your hip hop. And the queers...they could go in and do their thing. No one gave 'em trouble.
Damon: (turning to Ben) Think there are seats now?
Ben: You know, I haven't looked, but I think there are.
Damon: Booger, it was nice to meet you.
Booger: High five.
Damon high fives Booger. Ben and Damon, not unlike Shaggy and Scooby, skedaddle their way out of the room, leaving two dust clouds in the shapes of their bodies. In the hall:
Damon: I hope you don't mind if I leave with him.
Ben: I was getting the feeling I would lose you to him.
An essay question about this later...
But before that, today Murray and I sanded the fucking hell out of her stinky chair, and applied a coat of stain which made it look a hell of a lot better. Then we went out to her family's, where they were having a bonfire. Kitty (Murray's mom) gave me a bite of her hot link, and Tonya (Murray's father's coworker) tried, I think, to set me up with her friend Bryan. He had a gay lisp and was drunkity drunk on two bottles of Arbor Mist Raspberry Merlot.
Finally, here's the essay question, what is it about my face that makes drunks want to be my best friend? What is it about my face that says, "I want to go lean on this man, breathe my gasoline breath in his face and bombard him with questions about metaphysics that no one can interpret.
If you answer me that, I'll love you.
~Booger's Bitch Damon
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
yay!